The extreme frustration that may be felt by the partner being stonewalled might also lead to a more serious conflict than the original issue may have warranted. When people experience stonewalling, they may react with desperation and say or do anything to get the stonewalling to stop. Because stonewalling inhibits a couple’s ability to resolve conflicts, it can cause petty disagreements to escalate out of control. Gottman, who reports that he can predict divorce with near-100% accuracy, calls stonewalling one of the “four horsemen” that indicate the likelihood of divorce. Stonewalling can have disastrous effects on a relationship. Stonewalling is often a way to gain power over a partner while seemingly doing nothing, though it is often used in combination with threats and isolation. People who are stonewalled by others may feel hopeless and experience a loss of control or self-esteem. When stonewalling is deliberate, the partner who refuses to communicate is often drawing the situation out and preventing the other partner from seeking out other options to address the conflict or even end the relationship. John Gottman, a marriage therapist who did extensive research on stonewalling in partnerships, found men often react to disagreements with more signs of physiological stress than women do, and thus, they have been shown to be more likely to stonewall than women, often in an attempt to remain neutral or avoid conflict.įind a Therapist Advanced SearchStonewalling can also be a manipulative or controlling strategy. Stonewalling is often born of frustration and fear, and when it is used alone, it may occur as the result of a desire to decrease tension in an emotionally overwhelming situation, or in an attempt to self-soothe. The stonewalling practice of leaving during a discussion differs from leaving a discussion for a brief period of time to calm down before returning: Such a cool-down period might be beneficial to a discussion, but in stonewalling, the point is not to continue talking later but to avoid doing so entirely. Stonewalling occurs on a continuum, and it can range from refusing to discuss a problem for a brief period of time to completely withdrawing for months. This tactic can be distressing when the other partner does wish to discuss an area of conflict, and the lack of communication might often cause extreme anger and frustration. Stonewalling can include avoiding a discussion of one’s feelings, refusing to give nonverbal communication cues, walking out in the middle of a discussion without warning or explanation, or simply refusing to discuss the issue at hand. When faced with a potential conflict, one partner may stonewall, or completely refuse to communicate. What Is Stonewalling?Ĭonflict, particularly in close relationships, can be overwhelming and may feel unbearable. It is common during conflicts, when people may stonewall in an attempt to avoid uncomfortable conversations or out of fear that engaging in an emotional discussion will result in a fight. Stonewalling is a persistent refusal to communicate or to express emotions. How to Send Appointment Reminders that Work.Rules and Ethics of Online Therapy for Therapists.Practice Management Software for Therapists.
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